We get on really well together … but we don’t have sex anymore
Does this scenario look like you? You get on well with your husband, and enjoy spending time together. You talk pretty easily with one another and you describe each other as your “best friend”? You probably discuss heaps of different things and laugh a lot.
He doesn’t control you and rarely judges or criticises you. If he does, it’s more like him giving you “constructive criticism”, said with kindness.
Your marriage to others looks pretty perfect, and it almost is… but you sometimes wonder, does he really love me?
Because there is no sex and hasn’t been for a very long time.
There may occasionally be some affection, or a hug, but not sex. He will kiss you goodbye and kiss you hello, and it seems he loves you… but there is no sex anymore. And you are not sure how you got to this place.Perhaps both of you have got a bit tired or lazy in the sex department, or maybe your sex life has dwindled to zero and you just don’t know how to start it up again.
Remember how it used to be?
Think about this. You can remember when you first met, and talked about everything and anything…. your hopes and dreams, your plans, your failures – nothing was taboo! And in between there was a lot of touching and cuddling and caressing and possibly even sex. Maybe even a lot of sex.
But then some time later, something changed. Was it him, or was it you? Perhaps you began to shut down because you felt hurt about something and didn’t want him touching you. You didn’t know how to resolve the hurt, and just carried on as usual – but without the touch.
Or is it possible that there were things YOU did or said that resulted in him withdrawing from you?
But you told yourselves that everything in your marriage was still OK, because you “get on so well”. You know there are some things, even some resentments, that you keep to yourself because you don’t want to ruin the friendship in your relationship. Is it the same for him?
You both say your relationship is not what it used to be – you used to be lovers and now you are just great companions. Which is wonderful… nothing wrong with being great friends. No doubt you discuss this too, and have concluded that this type of existence is normal in a long term relationship.
Your husband is always willing to help and offer advice, and will go that ‘extra mile’ for you. He cares about you. Sure, all that’s true. But you wish you were still in a loving relationship… you know something is missing.
There is no more sexual intimacy and you end up feeling sad and puzzled and just a bit insecure. Because you find yourself wondering, does he really love me?