Randy Pausch teaches us how to let go of lowered self esteem in the face of trouble in our relationships
There is a cost we have to pay, either for the life we want or don't want
Why am I writing about: Let go of lowered self esteem to reboot your relationships?
Hi, I’m Dr. Mike Gosling, Karen’s husband.
Recently, a friend referred me to a video on the web by Professor Randy Pausch, titled “Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”. You can watch it below.
I learned so much from Randy’s life experience that I felt a need to share it.
Randy’s fight against pancreatic cancer, his humility, his gratitude. He said, “Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.” How often in life have you not gotten what you want and have fallen into the trap of lowered self-esteem?
Aldous Huxley said, “Experience is not what happens to you; it’s what you do with what happens to you.”
I’ve had some pretty awful experiences in my life and I’m sure anyone reading this has too.
More than 30 years ago my first wife left me and took my twin two year old daughters with her. That was not what I wanted.
Twenty six years ago, after following a calling to be a pastor in the Lutheran Church, and having completed four years of difficult study under financial stress, I was rejected for ministry without any explanation whatsoever. That was not what I wanted either.
But heck, I’m not dying from pancreatic cancer as Randy Pausch was at the time he gave his last lecture. Who am I to complain when Randy lost his life – something he didn’t want!
Randy stopped whining long ago about his experience and started living. That’s not to say he didn’t have bad days. I imagine he and his wife had many difficult moments when they faced their grief of a lost life together; when they faced the fact that their young children would not have a dad. I imagine he suffered lowered self-esteem from time to time. But they picked life up and moved on for their children, for whom they were so grateful.
I did the same. When I was feeling down and had lowered self-esteem recently, Karen, said to me, “Hey Mike, everyone needs something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to. We have it all.”
She’s right, you know. How often do we get caught up in trying to get what we want – sometimes at any cost. Many of us exert so much energy in taking on someone or something we feel is ours; our right or entitlement. And when we don’t get what we want we get angry or anxious and experience bodily reactions that cause us ill health. We need to let go of lowered self esteem to reboot your relationships.
There is a cost we have to pay, either for the life we want or don’t want.
I think we get to want what we want in life, unless, like Randy, we do something with what happens to us. For example, if we want to be miserable we will get to want to be miserable, unless we take ownership of our situation and work on it. If we want joy, riches, and happiness, we will get to just want those things, unless we take action steps to reach our goals.
Each has its cost. If we can let go of the concept of ‘cost’, and therefore of wanting, and move into present moment awareness where there is only living, we will have abundance.
In any event, it seems to me the cost of being miserable far out ways the cost of being happy and yet many of us choose to be miserable because we only get to want what we want. It’s a paradox – We actually pay more to be what we don’t want to be. We get trapped in the habit of “wanting” lowered self-esteem instead of leveraging on the resources we have to live full lives in better relationships.
Randy Pausch: A Final Farewell … Doing the best you can with what you have. What an inspiration he has been to me!
Knowing how to let go of lowered self-esteem is one of the most important steps in rebuilding your relationship.
When you’re trying to fix your relationship but your lowered self-esteem is getting in the way, you will always end up dwelling on issues. It’s time to get some professional help.
You can change this today.
I can help you to:
- Grow your emotional skills – emotional skills are far more important than any functional skill in achieving a high level of peace and calm within oneself.
- Know your emotional style – your emotional style effects how you react in emotional situations.
- Understand your emotional brain – learn how your brain effects your personal emotions.