Have you read this anywhere before – that communication is the key to any relationship
I first saw it years ago in a Nokia mobile phone advertisement. And its message is valid! No communication, no relationship. The communication can be verbal, written, sign language or body language… communication in a relationship is the main thing. Without it, you’re just two people.
Relationships fail for three main reasons:
- unresolved hurts,
- ineffective communication,
- and not giving love according to your partner’s need for love.
It is through the expression of words, said in the right way, and heard in the correct way, that old hurts disappear, and minds and souls reconnect.
You have two ears and one mouth … and I was always taught to use them in that proportion!
So the greatest key to communication is the listening
The greatest principle of communication is the listening. If you don’t, you may not hear what your partner is saying to you. What you hear instead may be your own interpretation of the words or tone your ears (read, brain) detect. And then your reaction is according to what you believe has been said.
This is where two people may have two different versions of a discussion they just had! Has this ever happened to you? So much misunderstanding and hurt can come from this simple bad habit – of reacting before fully hearing or understanding what your partner is trying to tell you!
When a woman tells her husband about her feelings, he usually hears it as a fact. Therefore if she is expressing a negative feeling, he will either
- (a) try to fix it for her as he doesn’t want her to be upset or
- (b) get defensive or attack back if he feels blamed for her bad feeling.
This response frustrates a woman, as all she wants is her husband to hear and understand how she feels (she is not blaming, and knows he cannot fix it), and comfort or reassure her for as long as she has that feeling. The easiest way for a husband to do this is simply to let her know that he has heard how she feels, and how upsetting that must be. Period.
This is called acknowledging a person’s feeling. Not fixing. Not defending. Not cheering her up. Just acknowledging. And just that alone will result in your woman feeling better because she has been heard and understood.
When you communicate in this way (and after a while it becomes a habit!) you will have a great relationship. Your partner feels safe to tell you how they feel about the trials of life or work, about your relationship, loss or plans. Your partner trusts that you will not get defensive, attack back or tune out. As a result, your partner feels valued and worthy.
In return, your partner learns to listen to you. When you also feel acknowledged and validated, you feel deeply connected to the person who is listening to you, understanding you. At some level, it may even feel like a “match made in heaven”.