Why can’t I get over him?

Narcissists come on as smooth and confident, they are charming and attentive and can be fun to date for a while. They thrive in the initial stages of a relationship because the new lover is adoring and besotted with him and will do anything to please him, boosting his sense of self.

Often they want to experience these initial relationship stages with different women at the same time. They are not good at having the same partner for extended periods because the issue of commitment inevitably comes up – and narcissists are not good at commitment.

Narcissists have no real interest to be in a stable, loving relationship – they are just in it for fun, ego and power.

Their love style is more like game playing. They flirt with other people, they lie to partners about dating other people and they get a kick out of keeping their partner uncertain about their level of commitment.

One day it is “I love you” and the next it is a total brush off. Or worse still, they can totally ignore you or not get in touch with you as promised. Initially narcissists mimic the courtship behaviour of nice men. Then when they earn a woman’s trust, he does some damage and then takes off.

Narcissists are selfish in love. Because they have no empathy, they are not totally aware of the impact that their selfishness has on others. This of course is not a positive ingredient for a long-term relationship. A narcissist will always look out for number one – themselves. They cannot or do not want to put the needs of a romantic partner before their own needs. If it APPEARS they are doing so, it will only be because it has some advantage for them!

OK, I know it wasn’t a good relationship so why can’t I get over him?

When a narcissist does something hurtful, it often does not make sense. Why would this amazing guy treat me so poorly? Is it me? Did I do or say something that upset him? Has he met someone else? (Usually YES!)

The narcissist does not care about anyone but himself, but because women are often not aware of this, they keep turning the relationship over and over in their heads trying to find an answer for what they could have done differently or better. The behaviour of the narcissist is so inconsistent that it becomes a puzzle, and after he has left her, the woman is often left dwelling on how they could have loved him more to keep him loving her.

Advice for moving on and getting over him:

If you can’t stop thinking about your now ex-boyfriend, know that the truth about your obsession has less to do with the importance of the relationship and more to do with the seeming inconsistency and irrationality of his behaviour.

When things don’t make sense, we remember them better and think about them more. And we find them harder to forget. These psychological processes are not limited to dating narcissists, by the way. They are very simple processes that happen all the time. If there is a problem you can’t solve or a crossword clue you can’t work out, you will dwell on it until you can.

So it is when you are trying to get over a relationship with a narcissist. You keep ruminating (going over and over in your mind) the things he did that did not make sense or were inconsistent. You find yourself finding reasons to justify why he did those things, to “explain them away” – even to the point of blaming yourself for him being angry with you, or not loving you.

But at the end of the day, no amount of dwelling will get those questions answered. It is best to tell yourself that he acted like a jerk because he was a jerk, still is a jerk, and will always be a jerk, and you are better off out of the relationship. It was going nowhere.

If you find yourself still dwelling on it and what went wrong, go and make a cup of tea and ring a girlfriend to distract you. It is the simplest way to move on and get over him.

Know that you CAN recover from these feelings of depression! To find out how, make an appointment with Karen Gosling today.