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Step 5 of 8
Your Changing Relationship
WE ALL KNOW… A RELATIONSHIP IS ALWAYS CHANGING
In fact, EVERYONE has room for improvement! A relationship is dynamic; it is shifting and adjusting all the time to different events that happen in your life. It is not static! It does not stay the same!
With every event that happens in your life, you have an emotional reaction to it. That is normal.
Your reaction may not be the same as your partner’s, or anyone else’s for that matter. That is also normal.
But when your reactions are not the same, one of several things happens:
- You feel threatened if your partner does not experience the event the same way you do. This leaves you feeling insecure. You want him or her to “be the same” (not possible!).
- You want to talk about the experience, to share the event, as it were, and have your partner hear and understand exactly how that experience was for you (also not always possible).
- If you feel not believed or judged for having the feelings you had, you either get angry and demand to be heard (this results in fights and arguments) OR you shut down and decide not to share your feelings any more (resulting in withdrawal, perhaps coming across as sulking).
- The more there are fights and you feel blamed or criticised, the less supported you feel by your partner. You start to feel alone in the relationship, in other words, not connected. You certainly don’t feel loved or cherished, even if your partner tells you that s/he loves you.
- The feeling of being “connected forever” becomes lost, and your level of communication and trust becomes more shallow.
- And then the desire for sex usually drops to an all-time low. Yes, even for the guys, who sometimes ALSO have reasons for not getting sexy. (So they get headaches too!)
This makes sense, right? I hear this story again and again in the counseling room, of people who were madly in love but a few years later end up really not liking one another much at all. Sometimes even hating each other and wanting OUT of the relationship.
What’s especially sad is if there are children by this time who become part of the blame and resentment that has built up, and are used as “pawns” by each parent to continue to hurt or attack the other. We all know the picture.
You see, relationships break down for 3 main reasons:
- Unresolved hurts (resentments that keep on being remembered and brought up in fights)
- Ineffective communication (which means when you try to discuss a resentment or even a hurt that has just occurred, things between you get worse, not better)
- Not knowing how to show love according to your partner’s NEED for love. Which results in one partner stating, “But I love you..” and the other one saying, “ I don’t believe you.” Another hurt.
Is this you? Does some of this story resonate with you? Would you like things to be different?
IT IS POSSIBLE TO FIX YOUR TROUBLED MARRIAGE, KEEP THE FAMILY TOGETHER AND LEARN RELATIONSHIP SKILLS YOU CAN USE FOR LIFE
Yes, it is possible and I will show you how.
I want you to know that when resentments are resolved, you can get back a connection in your marriage because you start to feel safe again. Being distant or disconnected is about NOT FEELING SAFE to share yourself emotionally or physically with your spouse.
When you feel resentment, your body is holding on to adrenalin, which is the chemical our body produces when we have fear. You may not even be aware of it, because it happens at a biological level.
Your brain somehow interprets you are not safe, and your body releases adrenalin to prepare you for “fight or flight” – which of course is designed to keep you safe.
But when your body is aroused with adrenalin, this is the experience of having a negative feeling – and you become instinctively cautious around the person or object that you perceive has caused you to feel fearful.
So in order to fix your troubled marriage you have to learn about how to manage those negative feelings. And ‘resolving a resentment’ is a counseling term to describe “getting over it” so that the past event or fight no longer impacts on your present day life. You may still think of it, or even discuss the old event, but the PAIN of it has gone. The event is no longer a threat to you.
It is possible to do this?
It is possible to have couples resolve stuff that has happened in their past so that they feel connected again and get back to being Soulmates.
Why do I say this? Because my husband Mike and I have helped literally thousands of couples over our years of coaching and counselling, to make their relationships work by doing just what we are going to teach you! Couples who write to us sometimes YEARS later and say, “Thank you, we wouldn’t still be together if we hadn’t come to see you at that difficult time.”
HOW TO ROMANCE YOUR SOULMATE
I guess you like the word Soulmate, because this is what you want to aspire to. How about the word Romance? Can you have both love and desire in your marriage?
Does that sound special, to think of getting back some romance in your relationship? AND with the person you are currently with – So that you can stop the stress of thinking about all the things that are WRONG and start relaxing and enjoying what can be RIGHT in the relationship.
Wouldn’t that be great, for you, your partner, AND for the kids?
In my next article I will give you some insights on how to start the conversation and get your partner involved – and change your relationship. Yes, that person you are with right now, that person who once WAS your Soulmate. So you can get that person back!
To get started right away on having a happy passionate marriage
Join Marriagology with Karen Gosling today.
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