Marriagology

Then he came back and pushed dirt back into the hole and made the dirt firm around the post in its new position, using a crowbar.  

Back and forth, lining up, digging, pushing in soil, and ramming the crowbar. Hard, hard work, hour after hour, the two of us working as a team.

Late in the day, after a large corner post had finally been rammed into position, he went back to check the work done. And the corner post was out of alignment (according to his eye that demanded perfection). 

He blew up. He shouted and ranted about the post being in the wrong position and swore at the “stupid bloody thing” and “now we’re just going to have to get it out and do it all over again. It’s not good enough.”

I went quiet. I couldn’t believe that he could be so mean to me, when I had been nothing but patient and cooperative all day. How could he attack me like that?

The tension between us did not abate that evening, and I gave him the “cold shoulder” into the next day whilst I waited for an apology from him for his unnecessary outburst. 

An apology did not come, so the “no talking” between us continued. Not a word between us until later on the Tuesday, when civil courtesy returned, “Do you want something to eat?” “Can you drive me to work tomorrow?” But no warmth, no intimacy.

I was still waiting for an apology. I had been wounded and believed that he should apologise for his behaviour on the Sunday.

On Thursday, fed up with the silence, he asked me, “So when are we going to start speaking again? What are you sulking about?” 

I was incensed. “I’m not sulking. I’m wounded.” “What on earth are you wounded about?” he wailed, totally frustrated. “What have I done now?”

Sarcastically, I said, “You know very well what you’ve done. I’m wounded because you yelled at me.” Bewildered, he said, “Yelled at you? When did I yell at you?” 

And so, with great self-righteous indignation, I repeated word for word, what he had yelled at me on Sunday. I had dwelt on it so many times since then, I now knew the scene off by heart.

He was flabbergasted at my disclosure. He protested and said, “But I wasn’t yelling at you! I was yelling at the fence post! I was frustrated because the fence post was crooked. I was the one doing the lining up, so if I was yelling at anyone, I would have been yelling at myself! Whatever made you think I was yelling at YOU?”

Sheepishly now, I said, “Because I was the only one there.” 

I of course, being a sensitive and avoidant person, had not ever yelled at a person, and certainly not at an inanimate object. That to me, didn’t make sense. No wonder I had assumed that he had been yelling at me. 

But I suddenly realised I had got it wrong, which explained why there had been no apology.

Then he asked the question that changed the course of our relationship. He said, “So I wasn’t yelling at you but anyway, even if I was, how did that make you feel?” I finally was given the opportunity to release what had been going around in my head for four days. 

“When you yell at me, I feel disrespected, I feel you don’t value me, I feel like I’m a nuisance and that you don’t want me doing things with you, I feel you don’t love me and that you wish you weren’t married to me.”

I could see he was flabbergasted as he gasped, “You feel all those things when I yell at you?”

“Yes” I replied, with the tone that indicated, “Of course, doesn’t everyone?”

He continued, “Nothing could be further from the truth. I had absolutely no idea you feel that when I yell! Because I do respect you and I do value you. I do not consider you a nuisance and I love doing things with you. I absolutely love you and I always want to be married to you.”

He continued, “I cannot believe you think those things because I yell! However, now that I know that that is what you feel, I am going to try very hard not ever to raise my voice again when you are around. But I have always yelled, and I am bound to make mistakes at times.”

And then came the big epiphany when he asked ME to do something too…..

“So if my part of the bargain is that I will try not to yell at you, not to raise my voice, can YOUR part of the bargain please be that when I make a mistake and I do yell, that you say to yourself, “This does NOT mean he doesn’t respect me, this does NOT mean he doesn’t value me, this does NOT mean he doesn’t love me.” Because those thoughts are only your interpretation. It is not reality.”

This event was a turning point for me as it was the first time in my life that I realised that not everyone experienced events the same way that I did, and that my interpretation of events and feelings were mine alone. 

This helped me understand why I had been hurt by people’s words and actions in the past, before I met Mike, when I had been puzzled that a person would behave in a way so very different to how I would behave. 

And I also realized I wasn’t always right and that I had to be careful about my “holier than thou” attitude at times, which I now realised, impacted on others.

And that’s why it felt like a miracle.

47 years later we are still married. Yes, ups and downs throughout that time, trials and tribulations, national and international moves for our work, children, stepchildren, their partners, grandchildren, in-laws and out-laws, ongoing studies and financial sacrifices, the introduction of computers, mobile phones and technology, personal and family crises and grief. But we’ve done it. And you can do it too.

You see, marriages don’t end because of events. Marriages end because of your FEELINGS about those events and whether or not your feelings are heard and understood. If that happens and you feel on the same page as your spouse, then you feel supported and can keep going. 

It’s about the feelings. Even after conflict, it’s about the feelings, and whether those feelings are resolved.

It’s also about understanding your own emotional style and how that impacts on other people. It’s about understanding THEIR emotional style and learning that they are different to you but not necessarily WRONG. 

It’s about learning emotional vocabulary so you can describe what you are feeling in words instead of just displaying the emotion with outbursts of anger or crying (or in my case, withdrawing into silence). 

It’s about not taking everything personally when you feel hurt, because you are not the one with a monopoly on negative emotions.

You can do this. I’ve done this. I am a highly sensitive person, meaning I’m more easily overwhelmed, hurt or affronted, and still get the feelings 47 years on. 

I still have a jab of pain when Mike gets irritated (note, I no longer say, irritated AT ME, just irritated). I no longer take it personally when he gets upset at not being able to find the remote for the TV or his car keys and says to me what have you done with the TV remote?

I no longer stay silent for days, waiting for an apology. I have also learned that I irritate him in many ways, which astounds me. I am not one who would ever deliberately hurt anyone, let alone those who are nearest and dearest to me. 

Yet I have learned that my sensitivity annoys him intensely, and he has to work at putting up with that. Who would have thought?

I thought I was the perfect wife! But to my surprise, I learned my behaviours were impacting negatively on someone else!

It took me years to learn all of this. Years of making mistakes and having our relationship suffer.

After 7 years of marriage, we did some travel overseas to work out whether we were going to stay together or go our separate ways. We had given up our jobs and sold our home in Adelaide before we left, on the chance that we wouldn’t make it as a couple. 

In fact, we did part on our travels. We separated in Munich, Germany, after a huge fight. That was it, bye-bye marriage. We walked off in different directions. No mobile phones back then so I don’t know how we actually got back together, but we did because Mike couldn’t speak German (I did), and he held the passports. 

Somehow we found each other again out of sheer necessity, and we had to make it work in order to continue with our travels.

Fast forward 47 years. 

We live on the beautiful Gold Coast in Australia. 

I have 27 years of marriage counselling behind me. 

I have a system of teaching people the most important things that will keep you together in your marriage (Because this is what most couples want but don’t know what the key is to unlock the solution…).

How to deal with your old hurts (so you can move on..)

How to communicate effectively so you can resolve your resentments rather than have your issues escalate (as this is what ruins your marriage).

And how to behave so your partner feels loved and respected by you, and then return the favour (so you can enjoy the support you deserve).

And I have put this system into a training course (so that you can do it too). Having been called the World-Renowned Expert In Making Marriages Flourish, this is my legacy!

Crafted over many years I want to share it with you (so that you enjoy a flourishing marriage as I do with my husband Mike).

Each day in our marriage after that “building fences” day we have been happy to see and be with each other (although that had been gone for those 4 days).

And then after the “blip” in Germany I thought, “Wow! This is working! ” And so I wrote two influential books about what I learned and shared this and other experiences.

That’s how I accidentally started a worldwide movement of marriage coaching for people to practise eight relationship skills (that build flourishing relationships).

In writing my books I was just trying to save my own marriage…. And I did!

Thousands of couples have reached out to me in private counselling and coaching sessions over many years (for support in reconnecting with their spouse or partner).

They’ve talked to me about their early attachment experiences, and the negative impact this has had on their most important relationship (the one with their partner).

These couples wanted more support in practising the Skills they read about in my books (and want me to teach them online).

They suggested I prepare a course for them and others to keep learning and referencing (yet I got overwhelmed and hid away for a while, if I’m honest).

But then I had the idea to start an online Marriage Coaching Program (initially terrifying for me, as a highly sensitive person!).

The result – Fast Fix Marriage Formula – was born with much help and love from my husband (who was also willing to share our early struggles so others could benefit).

Fast Fix Marriage Formula is a program where you can learn more about yourself, learn the skills to overcome insecure attachments and manage your reactions and emotions (to be a better partner and parent).

It is the core learning in my widely praised and globaly used, all inclusive, All Access, Marriage Coaching Program called Marriagology: The Art & Science of a Flourishing Marriage.

In this special letter, I’m going to give you all the details you need to have a flourishing marriage. I’ll show you how to get your 8 free gifts (worth $9,126 and many years of tears and heartache from me – but at no cost to you).

You’ll get hands-on support from me for your broken marriage with weekly live group Zoom meetings and Marriagology Circle (where you can ask your questions and zoom in on help from others in the group).

Keep reading on to discover all…