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You want to be a SOULMATE. You want get some romance back in your relationship but you don’t know how.
If you identify with being a Housemate, Bestmate or Playmate, and want to romance your Soulmate and enhance your relationship, or even if you are already at the level of a Soulmate and you want to keep it that way, it’s time to start talking to your partner.
In this article I teach you various ways that you could start a conversation with your spouse, depending on what “Mate Type” you are.
(1) it is often easier to talk when not sitting and looking at one another, as this can be quite threatening and may result in defensiveness and conflict
(2) you can be assured of not being interrupted by phone calls, children or unexpected visitors whilst you have the conversation you have waited a long time to have
It is important to explain to your partner how YOU are feeling, not what your partner (from your perspective) is doing wrong. This is an opportunity to open up a discussion, to move your relationship forward, not a time to get into a fight or blame him/her for emotional hurts.
We’ve been together a long time now, and I want to talk with you about how I’m feeling – about us. I know this may alarm you or make you want to run a mile, but please don’t! Just let me talk for a bit and tell you some of the things that have been going on in my head. When I’m finished, I would love you to comment or tell me what you have been feeling.
When we first got together, I thought we would be best friends and lovers forever. I can remember we would talk about anything and everything, and I just loved being near you and doing things together. Over the years (months), that seems to have changed, for me at least, and I have been trying to work out why.
For some reason, I don’t feel connected so much anymore, and I want to. I don’t always tell you how I feel, and I want to. I often don’t want you to touch me, and we haven’t enjoyed sex for a long time, and I want to.
I can even say I don’t always feel safe around you because I can’t predict what your mood or reaction is going to be. And I want to. I want to get back to feeling close to you again, and get back to WANTING to love you in ways that are special to you, instead of keeping my distance.
Hey, I’d like to talk with you about something that involves us. It is a serious topic, and it may take some time, perhaps a whole evening. So is now (tomorrow, Saturday) an OK time?
I think you know already that I consider you my best friend. I find it just so easy to talk with you and to be with you. It seems effortless, and you have told me you feel the same way. I love it that we respect each other’s time and commitments, yet if I ring you, I never get the feeling from you that I am bothering you. I feel safe with you. You are always interested in what I do and what I think and you encourage me to keep going with all my challenges. I just love that. In fact, I love you.
Which brings me to the something I want to talk about. And for the first time ever, I am not sure how to start. Whenever I think about the person I want to spend my life with, I think about someone who has all the qualities that I realise you have. Truly, when I fantasise about the deep and meaningful conversations I will have with my partner, and the connection I will feel, I realise I have that already with you!
So it occurs to me that since we are best mates, and share so much already, is there anything to stop us being partners, and taking this relationship a step further? I have always had affection for you, but since we have only ever been ‘best mates’ and never an ‘item’, it has never been appropriate to think about sexual stuff.
Although for me, the attraction to you has been there, and I love the way we tease each other all the time. But I realise I want more than teasing. I have started to want more intimacy with you, I want to hold you and be close to you in a loving, physical way.
And this is where it is scary, because I don’t know if you feel the same way. If you don’t, our friendship may not ever be the same again, because of what I am telling you. You may pull up stakes and run!
Please listen, my wonderful bed buddy, there is something I want to talk to you about. Don’t be alarmed – I am not about to tell you that I’m not happy with how you make me feel.
On the contrary, you are amazing in the sex department. That’s why I keep coming back for more! You really know how to turn my body on.
Yet sometimes I am fearful that the great sex we have is all we share. It’s hard to describe, but lately I’ve been feeling a bit empty, as though there is something missing in our relationship and I think what’s missing is a feeling of emotional connection.
There are things you don’t know about me, things that I think and feel that I want to share with you. And there is still so much about you that I want to know. You don’t ever say much about how you feel. In fact, we don’t talk much at all……we just make small talk, enjoy a few drinks together and then head to the bedroom.
I have realised I need more than that and I am pretty sure that it is with you that I want it. No reason to give you up – and I am certainly not saying that I am giving up on you! Not at all – you have too many good qualities… But I want our relationship to be connected at every level. Not just the great sex!
I am so lucky to have you. I am so content in my relationship with you. I feel blessed, because so many of my friends tell me how unhappy they are with their partners. With you, I feel safe, not just physically, but also knowing that you would never intentionally hurt me emotionally. I feel that I can talk to you about anything, about my fears or my plans or my challenges at work or with the children, and you listen and make comment, but never judge.
One of the ways I feel loved is to have meaningful conversations with you, and you always meet that need. The other way I feel loved is to have you spend time with me, so even when you come shopping with me, or accompany me when I visit my mother, leaves me feeling loved by you. So thank you for doing those things without my even asking you to. It leaves me feeling cared about and understood.
And the other thing I am grateful for is that you are prepared to have a discussion whenever we have a misunderstanding, or there is a hurt. If things were left unsaid, I think the hurt would fester. But by talking it over, and my certainty that you would never intend to hurt me, I am able to get over it, and no resentments build up.
My friends tell me about how hurt they are in their relationships and it seems to destroy their love. Sometimes I wonder if that would ever happen to us, as there are days when we just “get on with life” and we never think about or say how we feel about US. That is why I am telling you this now. I wanted you to know how much I appreciate you, and I want us to work at staying connected forever.
Now that you know how to get the conversation started depending on what your “Mate Type” is, it’s time to fix your troubled marriage, keep the family together and learn relationship skills you can use for life.