How To Rekindle A Relationship

Rekindle Your Romance

Hi, it’s Karen here…

Relationships break down. Period. It’s what you do before or after your relationship breaks down – it’s what you do about what happens to you – that can bring back the spark! In this short article I’ll delve into how to rekindle a relationship…

Congratulations for recognizing your situation. This is an easy thing to deal with.

  • We know how it starts
  • We know how it progresses
  • We know what happens in your emotional brain
  • We can help you if you’re prepared to be dedicated to the process of regaining your relationship
  • Then there are some remedies and therapies we can give you that will help you along your way.

We can’t “fix” anyone. We can’t cure anyone. We can’t make your relationship better. Only you can do that.

We can give you advice from our own experience and from the experience of thousands of others with whom we have worked who are improving their relationship and their health.

We can offer you some tips, tools and techniques on this blog that we believe will help you in your request for help on how to rekindle your romance.

And we can be encouraging and supportive and gentle and loving.

But we can’t fix your relationship.

While there are many ‘relationship cures’ on the internet, we believe that we will never find a single solution for relationship problems.

There are three main reasons why relationships break down:

  1. unresolved hurts
  2. ineffective communication, and
  3. not giving and receiving love according to yours and your partner’s needs for love.

We can provide many different ways to assist people on how to rekindle a relationship and improve physical and mental health – if they want to.

Recovery from a disconnected relationship and the associated physical and psychological stress, and maintaining the relationship and your health, is a lifestyle choice and an ongoing journey.

You can recover from the symptoms of a disengaged relationship. You and your partner each still have a responsibility to live healthy, think healthy, and be in a relationship that works!

If you are silly, overworked yourself, think negatively, and did all those things that you did for so many years in your relationship, your relationship will break down again and you will be sick again.

You do have the option to live sick and in a dysfunctional relationship or live well in a connected meaningful relationship where you continually romance your soulmate.

It all starts when you choose how to rekindle a relationship. 

Want to rekindle your romance … feel loved, less stressed, energetic, romantic, content, and emotionally and financially secure …?

Join our Members Free Content Area and get your #MakeYourRelationshipWork Guide. Click the ‘SIGN UP’ link below.

What Is Passion?

firey flame
A common statement in a dying relationship is that our relationship doesn’t have the passion it used to. At times this could be true, but at other times the word passion is used to encapsulate other problems in the relationship. The next time a loss of passion comes to mind ask yourself if there something else that’s going on. Read below to learn what is passion and how to add more passion to your relationship.

What is passion really? In younger couples it’s often a euphemism for great sex. These couples sometimes think that they’ve lost passion or love of the other person when the sex isn’t as exciting as it used to be. This is a great example of the misunderstanding of the word. Passion is at its core a strong emotion or energy. It can be any emotion. This includes love, hate, lust, excitement, or a host of other emotions that evokes a sense of energy or strong feeling.

People have a passion for a lot of things. Sometimes it’s a person, activity or cause. You can be passionate about anything. If you think about something that you would find most boring, there’s someone who is wildly passionate about that.

Lost Passion?

Do you feel like your relationship has lost passion? If so, it may be some of the energy that was prevalent early in the relationship isn’t there in the same way as it was. In new relationships the energy often comes in discovering each other and doing activities you haven’t done before. This excitement creates a bond and a closeness that we often apply the label of passion to. As a relationship matures, the energy and excitement needs to come from new places. Maybe it’s not as exciting as the first time you kissed or as thrilling as finding out your partner also loves some of the same things you do but there’s excitement, it’s just hidden in different forms.

The passion could come from the energy and excitement of buying a first home or a mutual hobby or interest. It could come from learning something new or an interest in a common cause.

What Is Passion: Consider this

Thanks for being the one person who shares all my passions and who I don’t have to hold myself back with.

This statement was made by woman who had been a married of more than 20 years. This couple had gone through a period when they thought that they had lost their passion. What they realized is that passion isn’t something artificial like a short-term activity or the excitement of a new relationship. Real passion is being interested in what your partner is interested in for no other reason than he or she is interested in it. The act of sharing your interests with another person and having them engage you is unique to a passionate relationship.

In the statement above, there’s an acknowledgement that she appreciates her husband’s interest in her passions. Does he love all of the things she does? No, not at all; but he cares about his wife and shares in her passions. Does that mean he participates in her passions? Maybe some of them, but not all. The sharing of the other person’s interests reinforces the bond between them. The bond is another way of describing passion.

What Is Passion: Action Steps

  1. Understand the relationship cycle.
  2. The next time your partner is talking to you about something he/she is excited about, listen to your partner as if it’s the most important thing in the world at that moment. Ask questions about it. Be sincere. Try to find out what makes it so interesting. Maybe you’ll find it interesting too. Why does your partner like it? Does it give him/her a sense of connection with people? Is it a learning experience or does it stimulate your partner’s intellectual side? Is there a feeling of variety or excitement evoked? Does it make your partner feel strong, smart, or relaxed? If it is something that creates excitement, it’s meeting a need or needs in your partner’s life. What could be some needs that are being met? If you ask these questions, it’s likely that your partner will start taking more interest in the things you are excited about. It might not happen immediately but it likely will over time.
  3. Remember the definition of passion? It’s a powerful emotion or energy. The conversation in the Action Step creates that emotion or energy. That energy is addicting and is may be what your relationship needs. In this case, it’s okay be addicted.

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Click the ‘SIGN UP’ link below.

Resolving An Issue

fire
Resentment is a strong negative emotion
that you experience when you remember or recall an incident from the past that caused an emotional pain at the time, which has never been resolved. Upon recalling the event, the body generates an emotion that can be described as anger or a feeling of being deeply upset. This emotion is a stress response.

Resolving an issue that harbors resentments is the subject of this article, not clinging to them and leaving the fires burning!

Some people recall an event so vividly that it is almost as though the event is reoccurring. Certainly the emotion that is generated is real, resulting in the memory of the event being re-experienced as if it were happening in the present tense. This is because the picture in the brain, whether a memory or current reality, will cause the body to have a stress response, and this is what is experienced as the emotion.

When an upsetting event has been resolved, it can be recalled to mind later without the body generating the same strong emotion. You might remember the incident well, and remember that you were upset or angry about it at the time, but your body does not feel that emotion now. This means that the matter has been resolved and you have moved on. Good. For your continued emotional health and well-being, this is how it should be – resolving resentments as your experience them. If the event is not happening now, it is not present tense. Things only happen in the present tense. Anything that is stored in the brain as a memory is a fantasy; it is not reality.

In other words, resentments are fantasies that continue to cause us pain and make us suffer. It is common for a person to dwell on resentments and continue his/her own suffering. If you are feeling the pain of an old hurt, it is you and only you who is continuing the pain, because you are continuing to think of it. Even after the “sorrys” have been said and the behavior of a loved one has changed, the memory of a past deed can keep the pain alive. But you are doing it to yourself, not the other person. You are not resolving resentments but storing them up!

If, however, an emotional pain keeps reoccurring in the present tense (for example, you repeatedly feel put down), there is a possibility that you may experience a physical reaction of traumatic proportions, that is, a whole body reaction – nausea, quivering, and a need to run away.

This is a Post Traumatic Stress Response, and is the reason you may withdraw and remain silent and not engage in the relationship. A person will do anything to avoid such a hideous and painful response. You can become “allergic” to another person, when even the thought of that person or the mention of his/her name, can produce in you an intense physical response. This can result in a bewildering aversion to a person that you at one stage felt close to.

Understandably this is not a healthy situation to find yourself in, and often medical or counselling help is required to settle such a reaction.

Communicating Effectively Can Save Your Marriage

couple arguing

Try Communicating Effectively

Alan and Di, who had 2 children under 6, were always fighting – lots of bickering, harsh and sarcastic comments, and so often a quick rise to conflict whenever they had a discussion. They were sick of fighting and even talked about separating– but then even argued about that.  They agreed to see a counselor to assist them with the process, believing that having someone to facilitate their discussions would reduce the conflict.

They told the counselor they wanted to separate while they were still able to talk to each other civilly. “We both think that’s important, so that we can continue to communicate respectfully to each other about the children, as they grow up. We both care how this separation will impact on the kids.”

Alan said he hated the arguing but had not been able to find a way to stop it. Di told the counselor that all she wanted to do was share her feelings with him, but every time she tried, he was defensive and became angry that she was always so negative and critical of him. Alan’s response was that he felt he was doing his best for her and the children, but she was never satisfied and always complaining. That’s how they had come to this point, both talking about ending the marriage.

Yet Alan didn’t really want to separate, because his values were that he had married for life, and that couples should work on their problems.

And Di didn’t really want to either, because she had come from a broken home and had always said to herself that she would work on her marriage so that her children would not have to suffer the ‘sharing between the parents’, as she had done.

In fact, neither Alan nor Di wanted to separate. So how had they come to the decision to do so? It was because they feared the relationship would become so acrimonious that they would be unable to speak civilly with one another in the future, which would make it difficult to make arrangements about the children. So best to separate BEFORE getting to that stage, they thought, rather than get relationship advice.

Are you always fighting with your partner?

couple arguing

Are you always arguing with your partner?

Have you ever felt like this? Have you ever wondered why you fight more with your partner, the one you love the most? Ever wondered why, when you are arguing, your partner brings up stuff from the past, things you would rather forget? Want to understand how to fix this and start communicating effectively so you can rekindle your romance?

We experience pain in the present tense. Every negative emotion is a surge of adrenalin – we feel it as an emotional pain. We really do feel it. And depending on how much adrenalin our body produces, we feel the pain at different intensities – low, medium or high.

Take our reaction to an unmet expectation, for example. We feel either disappointment, or irritability, or resentment, depending on how important to us the expectation was, that wasn’t met (or put in another way, how significant the thing was that you thought would happen, and then it didn’t – how things ‘should have been’. This too constitutes an unmet expectation).

We build up our emotional wounds and then explode, just like a volcano. We say something hurtful, which has an impact on our partner, who then attacks back. Normal stuff. Bad stuff. Because the more hurts we trade, the more worked up we get. (The more adrenalin our body produces, and the more aroused our nervous system becomes.)

When we become worked up in an argument, something awful happens. We can suddenly remember things in the past that have been hurtful, especially emotional wounds in our relationship. These old hurts get brought up to boost your position in the argument.

The thing is, that on a normal day, normal mood, you can think about those same old incidents and NOT feel any pain. Those past issues have been resolved. They are just memories – on a normal day.

But the rotten thing is that TODAY, because you are arguing, your body is flooding with adrenalin (emotional hurts) and your brain remembers each pain in exactly the same way as it remembers a smell – by association with an earlier experience.

This is the reason that TODAY you suddenly remember when you felt (let’s say) humiliated 2 weeks ago – and 3 months ago and 5 years ago – when a minute ago you were just feeling humiliated by a present tense event. This is the pain in the PAST.

AND THEN we start to fear the FUTURE. We start to imagine that it will always be like this, that we will always argue, and that’s not good for the kids. Or we may not last, and end up divorced. Or we may not be able to speak to each other without hostility, so let’s separate while we can still get on a little bit.

The FUTURE is filled with thoughts that start with WHAT IF or MAYBE…

trust

WHAT IF … maybe?

But we don’t feel things in the past or in the future. We only feel in the present, but our body responds to the images in our head that relate to past or future. So it FEELS like those pictures of the future are real – the pictures are reinforced by the fact that you really do feel an arousal of your nervous system!

(By the way, adrenalin felt by the body in the present is STRESS. When adrenalin in produced by negative thoughts of the future, the adrenalin response is called ANXIETY. Anxiety is simply the future tense of stress…. resentment or anger is the emotion that belongs to past tense pain.)

You can learn skills for communicating effectively so that you can resolve present tense emotional wounds.

If you can resolve pain in the present, then you never have to return to those hurts from the past. You can leave them there where they belong – in the past!

AND you will not have to be anxious about hurtful communication in the future. Because things don’t happen in the future, they happen in the present.

So if there is an emotional wound in the future (and there may not be) then WHEN it happens, it will be present tense, and you will have the skills to deal with it, to resolve it.

With the skills of effective communication, you can learn how to resolve resentments and “let things go”. “Letting it go” is about releasing your pain, not necessarily the memory of the incident. We don’t forgive and forget – we resolve and remember.

Want to know what happened to Alan and Di?

They stayed together and now have 2 more children (twins!). They wrote to me some years later,

Thank you for saving our marriage.

Well actually, they saved it, not me. I simply gave them the clarity and the skills so that they could begin communicating effectively to fix their communication problem.

And I can do the same for you. I can help you rekindle your romance through helpful relationship advice. Join our email list and start to receive more information.