For many couples, maintaining a healthy marriage requires a certain degree of work and compromise. But bring ADHD into the equation and you have a whole new set of challenges. Watch this short feature NBC did on relationships and ADHD. [ Click here for the link ]

Over time, once you know about ADD you can challenge each other to re-examine long-held expectations about gender roles, relationships, and your own core issues.  Partners need to detach a bit from the behavior and focus on themselves for a while. Often the partner can stop taking things so personally.

Change happens. With support, partners
•    find workable communication techniques and chore-sharing arrangements.
•    learn to set better boundaries with partners whose life goal seems to be trampling on their boundaries.
•    learn to focus more on what makes them happy. They develop their own interests and activities to “charge their batteries”.
•    gain confidence to insist on finding doctors and therapists who will work with them and accept their input not as “controlling” but as filling in the sizeable gaps usually left out by their partners.

Many adults with ADD engage in behaviors about which they are completely unaware! Feedback from a spouse can help build awareness. If this is you, here are some typical ADD interpersonal patterns which you may need to monitor in order to minimize.

1.    Monologuing - Some individuals with ADD become so engrossed when they are talking about a topic which interests them that they forget to monitor the reactions of their audience.  Action: Teach the ADD to check – are they interested in what I’m saying, or are they giving signs that they would like to shift the topic or leave the interaction?

2.    Interrupting – This is a widespread pattern, rarely meant to be rude, but which often results in irritation and resentment over time. Action for ADDs: In meetings, write your comment down if you’re afraid you’ll forget. In conversation, monitor yourself, and apologize and stop talking if you catch yourself interrupting.

3.    Being blunt. This gets back to that old truism – “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Some adults with ADD blurt out a reaction without taking the time to phrase it in a sensitive fashion. Action:  If you are one of those adults who congratulates yourself on your “refreshing honesty”, you may want to ask for a little feedback about how your comments are taken. Think about how you would feel if someone said this to YOU.  Think: I need to be mindful about what I say and how it may impact.

SUGGESTIONS FOR NON-ADD PARTNERS

•    Compliment your spouse often. You can mold behavior (somewhat) through positive comments.
•    Ignore behaviors that aren’t worth the hassle.
•    Don’t sweat the small stuff.
•    Take a deep breath and relax.
•    Use a soft tone of voice and gentle gestures. ADDs are so sensitive.
•    Use humor to diffuse difficult situations.

Realize your spouse needs/tries/wants to be in control because their thoughts are out of control. You don’t have to “lay down and roll over” constantly but realize that at times an argument is due to an ADD/ADHD thing – and doesn’t have anything to do with the subject YOU are arguing about.

THEN YOU WILL BE ALL SET TO CELEBRATE THEIR DIFFERENCE!

What ADDs do that is different – yet so amazing!

•    They are often intuitive and quite brilliant.
•    They have creative new ideas all the time – encourage them to carry a notebook, otherwise the ideas get lost amongst all their other thoughts.
•    Their brain can kick into focus and can work for many hours on one thing and be extremely productive.
•    They can accurately know problems and what is wrong and know how to fix it – this is why they are often valued in companies.
•    They can have an infectious humor, and be fun to be around.
•    They are usually happy to oblige if you tell them exactly what you want (after first making sure you have their attention!) They want to do the right thing and help you but are not always able to see what you need.
•    They can be exuberant and the life of the party.
•    If organizing a party or function that is of importance to them, know it will be fantastic! You will be astonished at the detail and thought that goes into it!
•    If engaged, they can be thoughtful, empathic and show genuine care.
•    They are willing to take on new challenges – give it a go!
•    They can move on from disappointments and not dwell on past failures.
•    They are usually quick to forgive – often because they are quick to forget.
•    Kids benefit because of the ADD parent’s willingness to be involved in sport, school functions and parties.
•    They can climb mountains and run restaurants – nothing seems impossible to them!

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Karen Gosling welcomes you to the Emotional Wealth Academy. Are you stressed out, unhappy, experiencing emotional distress, or simply troubled by your feelings? Want to understand how to control your anger, manage your anxiety, change your mood, feel better about yourself and enjoy improved relationships? Join us in the Emotional Wealth Academy today and become healthy, wealthy and wise.

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What are your areas of counseling and why did you choose this specialty?

My areas of expertise include face-to-face counselling with individuals, couples or family groups for emotional wealth. I counsel and train people in surviving personal stress, anxiety, panic attacks, generalized anxiety disorder. I help highly sensitive people, people with different emotional styles at work, anger management issues, gender differences, depression, lowered self esteem, adult ADD, and marriage problems.

What makes your training unique?

Due to my previous work as a medical and mental health social worker I am able to recognise the very real physical illnesses people get because of their emotional problems. What I have incorporated in my training over the years is a biological model. I teach about the brain and how it functions, how it instructs the body to kick off stress responses when it is under pressure or under threat. Once people identify this in a training session, they learn to manage their emotions.

I explain to people that they will have initial stress responses to many things, and they can then use the cortex part of the brain to override that. For example, if a sensitive person feels they have just been criticised by the boss, he or she can use the thinking part of the brain and say, “The boss was just trying to make me a better worker and he does value me.”

How much does a session cost?

My standard counselling fee is AUD$180 per hour, for individuals, couples or family groups. But many clients will buy a pre-paid counseling plan to lower their cost, such as for 6 hours for $900 ($150/hr), 10 hours for $1,350 ($135/hr) or 15 hours for $1,800 ($120/hr). The costs are often recoverable through personal insurance. Australian clients referred to me by their doctor through a mental health treatment plan are able to claim part of their counseling fee through Medicare.

How will your training benefit your participants?

They will take away knowledge about psychosocial data that they can identify with and they leave my counseling room and seminars knowing how to manage their feelings better, and ready to build good relationships.

What companies have you worked with?

I have worked in Australia and South East Asia with 43 corporations, including DBS Bank, Visa International, Qantas, Nokia, Intercontinental Hotel Group and Davidson Trahaire Corpsych.

How long have you been a trainer for?

I have been in counselling for more than 30 years now, and have developed public and corporate training seminars over the past 10 years.

What was your profession before you started as a trainer?

I was a medical social worker in a major teaching hospital in Adelaide, South Australia before moving to private practice as a professional counsellor and teaching medical social work as a subject for the National University of Singapore.

What made you decide to be a trainer?

Over the years in doing individual counselling, I realised I was repeating myself again and again and teaching the same thing to people in the counselling room. It made me realise that people were finding this information valuable and that I should be broadcasting to more people.

What school did you graduate from?

I graduated from the University of South Australia and Adelaide University with a Bachelor in Social Work and a Masters in Public Health.

How can people contact you?

Visit my websites www.karengosling.com and www.emotionalwealthacademy.com or call me at 0413 750 699 (International +61 413 750 699).

Karen Gosling
Counselling Director
Gosling International
www.goslings.net

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A study of the benefits of counseling and medication in the psycho-social treatment of Adult ADD.

My area of interest and current research is in the area of Adult ADD. Adult ADD’s often present in the counseling room with symptoms of anxiety, depression, feelings of failure and low self esteem. A synopsis of the issues that the research will address is as follows:

The presenting symptoms of Adult ADD in the counseling room will be outlined. Whilst ADD has many positive characteristics, there are also many troublesome and distinctly negative ones as well. These are the traits that result in people coming for counseling, wanting help to overcome anxiety, depression, job or relationship failure, and low self esteem. Many clients report feeling they are not reaching their potential, even though they “know inside” that they can achieve more.

Research reveals that the brain of the ADD person does not always work efficiently, and brain imaging/scans even suggest that the harder the ADD person tries to concentrate on a particular task, the worse it becomes. The brain requires a certain stimulation in order to get a surge of the chemical dopamine, to ‘work properly’ and for there to be sufficient neurotransmitters to conduct proper electrical circuitry in the brain, for the purposes of executive functioning or impulse control. Without sufficient dopamine, the ADD person has issues of restlessness, distractibility and impulse control.

The six types of ADD will be explained. ADD manifests in various ways, and has in the past been mis-diagnosed as depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, conduct disorder, personality disorder (for example, narcissism), schizophrenia, and more. This is understandable, as the presentations of ADD mimic other diagnoses. ADD impacts greatly on an individual and on his/her relationships with other people. The discovery of ADD as the reason why some people “can’t get their act together” – people who at other times are creative, brilliant, funny and very capable – changes people’s lives.

However, correct diagnosis is only the beginning. Education and counseling alone does not alter this neurological condition. Or does it? This is the main issue of my research. To date, I have had some clients keen to try medication (which stimulates the production of dopamine) as they are totally fed up with feeling the way they do, and are desperate for some relief from negative ADD symptoms. Others are resistant to medication and prefer to “go it alone”, by reading, research, and managing the symptoms with their new knowledge and psychological strategies. My observation is that regardless of their chosen method, all gain some improvement in the way they feel, manage their life, and deal with relationships.

Why is this so? If medication is the answer to the ADD problem, and corrects the chemical imbalance in the brain, what need is there of counselling? And why then, do some people have reduced anxiety with counselling alone, and no medication? And if a couple has marriage counselling, and ADD is identified in one partner, and that partner takes medication and the relationship improves, what was the factor that aided that process? The counselling, the medication, or both? And how does one evaluate and measure improvement? These are the issues I wish to research further, by observation and from feedback from the very people that come for help, desperate to feel better.

Please add your comments below. I look forward to reading them.

Aims and Objectives of the Research:

1. To enable adult ADD clients obtain a feeling of physical and emotional health through accurate diagnosis and treatment of their ADD. (World Health Organization definition of health – Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.)
2. To assist the ADD gain this state of health in the shortest amount of time, by providing options of counseling, medication or both.
3. To determine, by observation, client feedback and evaluation questionnaire, the most useful strategies to help Adult ADDs gain control of their lives.
4. To provide case studies so that others may read, identify with the cases, and take the risk to expose their vulnerability by coming forward so that they too, can have improved emotional health.

Brief Literature Review:

• Excerpt “Delivered from Distraction” From Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder by Edward M. Hallowell, John J. Ratey. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4749307

• How a Partner’s Untreated Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity (ADHD) Affects Relationships. by Gina Pera (posted on adders.org blog) or http://adhdrollercoaster.org/

• How Adult ADHD Affects Relationships: Strategies for Coping Contributed by: Melinda White (Posted on 2004-10-20 on adders.org)

• An Update On Medications Used In The Treatment Of Attention Deficit Disorder, by John Ratey, M.D. http://www.johnratey.com/Articles/An%20Update%20On%20Medications%20Used%20In%20The%20Treatment%20Of%20ADHD.pdf

• Are ADHD Drugs Right for You or Your Child? http://helpguide.org/mental/adhd_medications.htm

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Karen Gosling is a pioneer in the field of personal development and human wellness.

Through counseling you can discover the secrets to being in control of your emotions and instantly restore peace and calm in your life and relationships.

My purpose is to touch people’s lives when they’re needing some emotional compassion, to love my family and urge them to also serve others.

I have been a professional counselor, mental health social worker, author, and teacher of emotional wealth for more than thirty years helping thousands of people from 83 nationalities develop greater awareness, emotional balance, and wellness in managing the dramas in their lives.

My unique talents:

• Ability to empathize and communicate empathy
• Skilled at communicating – active listening
• Expert in Adult ADD
• Understand the complexity of emotions

My core strengths:

• Calm under pressure
• Can “flick the switch” with emotion
• Patient and tolerant of others
• Ability to see other’s perspective
• Team negotiating skills

I have written four books in the field of emotional wealth:

1. Emotional Leadership. Using emotionally intelligent behaviour to enjoy a life of EASE (Co-authored with my husband Dr. Mike Gosling, an international expert in emotional intelligence).
2. Enjoy A Life Of EASE!
3. Surviving Life Dramas.
4. How To Handle Difficult Behavior (In print).

I have appeared on television, radio, and been featured in numerous magazine articles. Through my counseling, seminars, books, and videos I help people experience their emotions and heal through an understanding of their emotional brain and the physiological impact of negative emotions felt in the body.

Sharing the ideas and practices that have helped me the most in my own life, I guide others on the path to staying well and having healthy relationships. I facilitate you in finding deeper meaning and purpose through developing your unique gifts and talents.

Keep informed about my activities by reading our EASEQuadrant® Blog, joining my community email list and receive our insightful monthly newsletter, EmotionMatters.

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” Karen Gosling

“You can be absolutely certain that when you meet and engage with Karen Gosling you will have found an outstanding caring and supportive professional who will help you be emotionally healthy, wealthy and wise. If Karen can’t assist you directly, she will go out of her way to find you the resources and medical or allied health professional to address your concerns.” - Dr. Mike Gosling

Learn more about Karen . . .

• Karen’s Bio

• Notes From Karen

• Karen’s Schedule

• Photo Gallery

• Rave Reviews

• In The News

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I have a goal to open a subscription membership site for Adult ADDs and their partners by December 2010. The purpose of the site will be to provide information and education about Adult ADD and a forum for members to share their stories. Research tells us that peer support is very important when you’re trying to deal with your issues and I have found that ADDs have tremendous capacity to help each other.

The website will structured around topics including:

• Identifying Adult ADD
• Understanding Adult ADD
• How Structure Reduce Anxiety for ADDs
• Managing ADD At Work
• Dealing With ADD In Relationships
• Coping With An ADD Spouse
• Celebrating the Adult ADD Difference

The membership site will provide the opportunity to change yourself and the relationships with the people you care about – your spouse, kids, siblings, neighbors. ADD in relationships is a common cause of marriage breakdown.

• Imagine finding ways to restore trust and remove resentments which keeps you distant from the one you love.
• Imagine being able to understand how the ADD brain actually works helping you to change your expectations about each other
• Imagine finding love and laughter again instead of exasperation and frustration
• Imagine being able to finally accept the partner who drives you to distraction

Send me your ideas for further topics and expression of interest in joining AdultADDTraining >>

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